Is It Me?
Yesterday afternoon I called D. and got the voice mail. I didn’t leave a message because.. well.. I don’t know why. I just didn’t but knew it would show as a missed call.
I called again around 4 hours later and basically just left a message saying that I was just calling to say HEY and whatever. Nothing spastic or major or whatever.
Another three or four hours went by and I still hadn’t heard from him. I was kind of getting anxious to hear from him because I wanted to know if we were going to hang out tonight.
So I call again.. I didn’t want to. I hate being the one that calls all the time. But I do because I hate being in the dark even more.
He answered this time and I’m not going to go into the whole conversation verbatim. Apparently he didn’t get the voice mail I had left him earlier. He said he had been outside working and didn’t have his cell on him but his daughter was in the house…
Yknow.. something tells me something about his kid and his phone but I’m not even going to go there..
Anyway.. so he’s having half a convo with me and half a convo with her. So I’m patient and when I finally have his attention I ask him if we were going to get together because, “.. it’s kinda sorta my birthday”
Bottom line is that it’s a no-go. He has his kid for the week and didn’t I know that? I tell him I didn’t… if I had, I wouldn’t have even bothered asking. He does one of those thinking out loud things and again I told him that he hadn’t told me. He said he felt bad and that maybe we could celebrate it on another day.
I tell him not to feel bad.. it was cool.. it was chill.. it was no biggie..
Truth is.. it was. To me. And I guess somewhere in my subconscience, this was a test. I think I knew how it was going to roll but I held out hope anyway. And I felt bad and my eyes started to well up alittle.
Unfortunately, when that happens, I lose control of my mouth and I start saying stuff about my birthday that I don’t think I should have <see previous post> and I think I just sounded bizarre or weird.
Towards the end of the conversation, he said “… I wish you weren’t that into your birthday.”
Number One, HAD he been comprehending what I was saying he would have realized that that is SO not the case.
Number Two, even if I did… so what?
Who actually says that anyway? WISH YOU WERENT THAT INTO YOUR BIRTHDAY
He said he’d call me tomorrow but I’m not counting on it. If he does, I’ll be my usual self but then I’m through with going out of my way.. or doing everything I’ve been doing. Yea, he’s hella cool and we have sooo much in common but you know what? It’s not worth it.
I called My Favorite Goober of all time and cried alittle on his shoulder until he made me laugh with suggestive comments involving crab legs and talking penis’.
I told him that the bright lights of Yankee Stadium went off in this brain of mine and I realized that I can be so damn starved for affection that I’d suffer the something rather then the nothing, even though the something hurts a hell of a lot more then the nothing.
